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11 minutes agoSomehow, being yelled at in Cantonese feels like it hurts my feelings more. Like… it feels more “intimate”, its much more personal. Only family uses it, so it feel worse when Cantonese (or sometimes Taishanese) is used. Like I feel like it activates a different part of my bain that’s closer to emotions, while English, even though it can still be terrifying, is slightly more distant.
English, is more like someone outside trying to breach your house, Cantonese, feels like mom chasing you around the house and beat you as if you are still 7 years old and too young to defend yourself.
I still remember that day, I remember feeling so scared. I can almost remember that scene as if it happened mere moments ago.
Of course, not all the details, more like a blurry gif in monochrome in 480p, rather than a 4K HDR Movie. But the emotions, its very vivid.
I sort of didn’t try to remember it, I know its there, I just didn’t actively dig it up, but then again and again, time after time, I keep having to fight my brother. Happened so many times I lost count, probably like 10-200 fights, and constant micro-confrontations, also manipulative as hell, pretend to wanna be nice and play games with me, then I let my guard down, then later confontations happen again.
That memory just slowly leaked bit by bit until it just came back. I know it existed, I was just too weak to confront my own memories, so I try to avoid it as long as I could. Because it’s very overwhelming.
But its inevitable that I have to face the past.