This article is inspired by a Youtuber Caitlyn V who is a sex coach. I’ve watched some of her videos and I find them to be very informative, especially about sex. I’ll link it here below
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agscWsru7Gk&ab_channel=CaitlinV
She actually goes onto explain how not having sex for a long time can contribute to problems on mental health, emotional health, etc.
The second half of her video has the solutions to these problems and the last point is one I want to expand on. The first 2 solutions was to 1. Create feel good chemicals by exercising, eating healthy, leaning on trusted friends, etc and the 2. one is fuck yourself (not regular masturbation where you race to ejaculation, but slowly taking your time with it.). The third suggestion is where I take issue with and it’s getting a sex worker.
Note I have nothing against sex work. I believe sex work is work and there’s nothing wrong with getting it. My issue with this point is the way I believe society is set up to profit off of lonely and sexually frustrated men.
Paying for sex work is very expensive, like you have to be making the kind of money where the cost to even get these services are casual at best. Even if there are cheap option, I don’t believe many men out there feel they should have to pay for experiences just to feel wanted.
Think about it this way. When you go outside to try to make friends, or to try and talk to a woman you find attractive, you notice how cold and distant people treat you in social places. In the first initial meeting, you’re treated as a potential predator that has to prove himself to be a good person first, and even after you passed the test, you need to be mindful of not making her feel uncomfortable, and make having sex with them feel completely natural. It’s also on you to make the sure interactions you lead the interactions in a way to keep her around, and basically really sell yourself. Couple that with the expectation society has for the man to be the pursuer, all of these things make a very daunting experience for men.
Men don’t have a lot of options when it comes to dating and when they to have the opportunity, are expected to make sure it goes well. This setup creates a very convincing need for sex work, with a high demand of it coming from men because their basic needs aren’t being met consistently.
I believe there needs to be a better solution rather than spending money on experiencing intimacy via sexual services. The most obvious way would be to stop demonizing men at a very ridiculous level, especially at the first meet, but most people on the left space don’t like that idea cuz ‘safety’ and ‘patriarchy’ so obviously getting to a point where we don’t do that is gonna take a long time, we need better short term solutions that doesn’t cost money for that. Sexual services are fine when you get them here and there, not when it becomes a potentially long-term thing (I’ve known men who consistently get sex through prostitutes)
One of the solutions offered by Aba and Preach would be a solution I would offer in helping with this situation as well, mostly short-term.
https://youtu.be/P22ZpncT8B4?t=738
Now they’re saying not to approach women and I don’t think most women put men that approach them on blast that regular, but that’s perfectly valid given the society we’re living in. Me personally, I’ve done a lot of approaching and have been very experienced in it and I haven’t been blasted on media, but this is because I gauge most situations I have going in. The process of learning it today is fucking hard so one slip up in an unlucky situation can turn your life upside down if you get blasted on social media.
Other solutions?
Read books and websites on people skills so you can work on talking to people. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve all had natural experiences with talking to people, so I’m not implying you’re all very socially inept that can’t hold a conversation. I think a lot of the guys here actually have no problem with conversation, especially when talking to women. But maybe you don’t have the kind of friends you do like having around, or maybe you don’t have any afab friends or maybe you do, but again not the ideal person you want in your life. I’m mostly recommending this because if you want to have control over your own life and build better relationships, people skills are crucial. So the next time you’re in a situation where you want to make friends with certain people or talk to a woman you find attractive, you know have the experience backed up to do it
Read books on dating material so you can make up for a lack of experience. However, this bit is very tricky as there’s a lot of toxic dating advice out there. I got proper sources of healthy dating advice if you want my suggestion message me.
Next step is practicality. For social skills, go to a hobby-based group or club and put what you learned to the test. Preferably a new one, as if you’re in an old group, they probably have a set image of you and depending on that, maybe harder to break out of. Finding a new social setting will give you a fresh start if this is the case. For practicing dating skills, I would highly recommend speed dating. Now don’t expect to actually get dates from speed dating. In fact, as a man if you wanna find a date via speed dating, you’re gonna be spending money for a long time. Instead, use them to practice your skills. Each date you have last up to 5 minutes so you have a very short timeframe to work with, but this is perfect as you get to work on initiating conversations and internalizing body language signals being sent out, and you’ll be ‘dating’ multiple people in one setting so you have a lot of volume to work with for one night. This is to help improve your skills quickly, arming you with enough knowledge and experience to navigate life with a prepared lens.
Now the article is written from the perspective of someone that hasn’t gone to any sexual services and don’t really plan to. Has anyone gone to get sexual services? What was it like going there? Do you agree it to be a solution for guys problem with a lack of sex?
Your title has so little to do with your diatribe. You’re not asking what happens; you’re blaming society for getting sex being difficult. These are different things.
The way you use quotation marks around things like “safety”–which is a very legitimate concern for women–suggests that you are in fact part of that problem demographic who does not respect that dating is more dangerous for women than it is for men, unfortunate though that fact may be. It’s attitudes like these that you are expressing which make women feel uncomfortable and endangered because they see that their very real concerns are being dismissed out of hand.
Let’s not turn this into another red pill type of place.
The title is not me asking anything, it’s a title of the video I linked to. Caitlyn V is the one who came up with it, not me.
Of course safety is a very legitimate concern, but it’s been something that’s been used to justify very distant behaviour and misandric treatment of men, especially when you look at statistics where it’s only a very few men (who are repeat offenders btw) that are out there committing them (both reported and unreported incidents), yet people use these statistics to act as if a large majority of men are out there committing crimes which isn’t true. There are situations where safety does apply, but when it’s used to act as if every man is a potential offender in every normal interaction, that’s when it becomes a problem.
For example, if a man were to come up to you and say hi, express interest or compliment you (in any context that isn’t an isolated alleyway mind you), and your first instinct is to be distant from him, treat him as if all he wants is sex, or might murder or rape you in an initial meet, then that is overboard. Crime stats from nisvs and bjs shows they happen roughly 10% of the time in most incidents. The high likelihood of sex crimes happening is with someone they are familiar with. Still not large enough to treat as if every friend or romantic interest out there is gonna do it when you factor in the general male population.
Also, men make up majority of homicide victims even at the hands of other men, but even when we’re talking about gendered violence in intimate settings, the rates of gender violence from female to male isn’t that far apart from male to female yet that never gets talked about at all. Then there’s also false allegations which are common enough yet it’s still not legally recognized as a crime. Not enough men come out to share their stories due to public ridicule and even being seen as the bad guy, nor are men’s issues being taken seriously by academia to be given a deeper look apart from government stats. Safety goes both ways my guy. But even with stats like this, you have to be careful not to apply this to all men and women (when you actually factor in the total male & female population, you find the number of offenders out there in a general context is less than 1% for both genders). Just because most crime offenders are men doesn’t mean most men are out here committing crimes. I will link this post for you to see.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CrQRpqUtbDz/
If you’re talking about just talking to her, expressing interest, flirting, getting her contact information etc especially in public social environments, you’re less likely to get assaulted in there. I’d go as far as to say that women have met men when they cold approach them when it was still a thing years ago and their relationships are just fine. What safety measures can you take here? Well if you’re talking to a man at a bar, don’t let him buy you a drink to avoid having it drugged, which doesn’t mean you’re not interested as you’re still there talking to him. Likewise, if you meet a man on a street, keep your interactions in public and never engage him if there’s a considerable distance between you and the public so your cries for help will be heard in case he tries something (tho meeting someone on the street is not something I would advice as safety concerns are pretty high here). Or if you fear he won’t take rejection well, just give him a number even a fake one and gtfo of there. Or you just don’t wanna talk to him or deal with another guy. You don’t have to engage him at all if all you want to do is cut it short and leave, completely understandable. In all these interactions, make sure you have an open exit if you want out.
Going on a date with him? Inform your friends and keep your dates in the eye of public and exert your boundaries in case he wants to take you private. Afriad he might rape you when you guys get intimate? Set a recorder to record the interaction, let your friends know. In both cases where things get bad, pepper spray or attacking him in the genital area. Of course all of these are suggestion and the women themselves know these situations well enough to prepare for them. My point is you can engage openly with men while at the same time keeping your safety in mind.
Point is you can factor what could happen in these situations where you could be harmed in anyway, then come up with solutions to help counter them, but at the same time not need to fear of every man and live in perpetual fear of them constantly.
“Sure safety is important, but what about my feelings?” “Make sure to give your friends your murderers description” “A man, who can be the same size and mass as you, but will statistically will be stronger than you, tries to take you somewhere private? Simply tell them no” “Worried you’ll be raped? Simply record it.” I acknowledge these are not literally the words that you said, but I want you to know, as a fellow man, reading what you said gave me this impression. You’re coming at this issue way too combatively. I get that we’re all horny and that sex is good and fun and we like to have it, and you’re not gonna calm down when I tell you to calm down but you need to chill about it a little bit. Or don’t you’re a person who can make your own decisions.
Added after: Also stalking exists and police usually don’t do anything until it’s too lateWhat would be your suggestion for being less combative? I have a tendency to over-explain my position so the context doesn’t get misconstrued but perhaps there’s a better way of having a discussion.
It’s not just about the sex though, it’s about being treated as less than human due to an over-heightened fear of men. I referenced her video to mostly address the last point and how what I’ve said would lead to this. I don’t care if a woman is not down to have sex with me that’s her choice.
Stalking does exist. I didn’t include as it’s not part of the normal social context I was painting earlier. Stalking happens when someone who you don’t know or have little familiarity with is following you, so there’s no way to include it nor excuse it. And then there’s stalking from someone who you’ve known before but now is a stranger to you which is a much more difficult situation to deal with.
I specified those situations because A) these are the types of situations where potential predators are likely to take advantage and B) I’ve also acknowledge many of these are just suggestions from me as a man. These are also suggestions mentioned by women I have spoken with. Are they perfect? No. Do we need better solutions? Absolutely, we do. I also understand that these are very difficult situations to deal with, which is why even the suggestions I’m giving aren’t always bullet-proof when they do happen (and same goes for men who experience false allegations or abuse as well, you can record it and back it up, doesn’t mean it’s not a difficult situation to be in), but it doesn’t justify the fear of almost every guy out there which I have seen time and time again. I could’ve done a better job of not making dealing with those situations sound easy peasy while making my point.
First of all, I really appreciate the discussion here - I’m a recent reddit transplant and “what would be your suggestion for being less combative?” was such a breath of fresh air.
Frankly, women are right to be afraid of us, and if you understand and accept why then women will like you more.
EVERY woman has had MANY bad experiences with men, because some guys are shitty. Most things don’t rise to the level of being a crime:
- guy gets mad at your for rejecting him
- another follows you around in a store staring
- someone grabs your butt at a concert and laughs at you if you say something
On and on, since before girls hit puberty. Being a woman requires picking your battles. If you reject the wrong guy they might go apeshit, so you say “I have a boyfriend.” Don’t compliment a guy, because some asshole yelled at you for “leading him on.” I appreciate that you’ve talked to women about this - ask them about times guys have been creepy.
Now, it obviously feels bad to be treated as a threat, even though it’s not personal. Don’t fall into the trap of blaming women - they don’t want to be afraid of men, they were taught to be. Shitty men taught them, and they’re to blame.
As men, we need to hold each other to higher standards. We also need to empathize with women - be mad WITH them, not AT them.
I heard their experiences before and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to act this way. I do think there’s a vicious cycle at play that’s making it happen. We’ve done a lot to free women from their traditional role, but we didn’t do the same for men. Instead, we just said “oh since we freed women from their oppressive role, then it should obviously apply to men as well” not realizing that they had strong advocacy for the former but not the latter, which lead to society still having men conform to their expected gender role in the modern times.
We tell guys to be sensible and not bother them randomly, yet we also tell them that if they like a girl, they need to tell her. They’re taught that if they don’t do something, another guy will and he’d lost out on his chance. We set up dynamics where guys are told (either by society’s words or actions) that if he doesn’t take action and make the approach, then he won’t get a date, laid, or a relationship. So they feel the pressure to take action. Because they feel this pressure, and mainstream society has just given them passive advice, they turn to alternative communities which will give them the practicality. That being the PUA/TRP. So they get practible dating tips, but also getting a lot of toxic ideology about women as well. It also doesn’t help that there are some women out there referring to other guys saying “They’re good with women” (I hate this phrase a lot actually) so hearing those words only reaffirms his perceived failures as a mate.
Because of what they’re taught by PUA/TRP, they react poorly to simple rejections from women due to society telling them that their value is tied to how successful they are sexually. “She rejected you because she saw you as low value” “She likes a confident masculine man, not a weak feminine beta” “You’re a nice guy, any woman would be lucky enough to have you” “She rejected you, you need rizz bro” “You’re too nice and she didn’t feel that confidence from you, you need to be more aggressive”. It also doesn’t help when these messages get reinforced when they see other guys who are genuinely confident and masculine at their core with a woman who enthusiastically enjoys his company. They are gonna associated this experience with the ideology they’ve been taught.
Guy gets mad a you for rejecting him? He interprets this as her saying he’s not alpha or valuable enough for her (Thanks Redpill). Following her to a store is very reprehensible, but I’d also say it links back to the expectations as well. Someone grabs your butt at a concert? Maybe that guy thinks that’s how you be an alpha and show her you’re a ‘sexual being’ so she doesn’t see you as a platonic friend. This doesn’t excuse the guys behaviour, many of them are very reprehensible.
This isn’t new. PUA/TRP likely doesn’t exist in third-world countries, but gender roles are very much active there, and I do hear stories of guys attacking women over rejecting them.
Nobody is blaming women for the expectations, they weren’t the ones who set it up. Maybe some women helped set it up, just like men did. But I think as long as we as a society don’t actively fight to free men from the role of the pursuer, they’re gonna feel the pressure to take action, and it’ll result in more women being uncomfortable with guys approaching them, not being able to take rejection well.
Now you are right that most of the things you’ve listed don’t rise to crimes. But there are a lot of women who have said they’re afriad of men due to not wanting to be raped and murdered, which while that fear is very valid, it isn’t statistically common as I mentioned in the previous replies, which never meant you can’t exercise caution. However, with the situations you’ve laid out, they’re very common for women to experience them and it doesn’t need to rise to a level of a crime, which doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable for them anyways.
This explanation isn’t me trying to excuse these guys behaviour. Because they’ve learned it, they need to unlearn these behaviours to ensure we make women feel safe, I am all for that. But we also have to remember guys were put in a position where they feel they have to learn and do this stuff, so to ensure we don’t have a large number of guys going up to make women feel uncomfortable (which still happens), we need to start telling society not to conform men to these roles and not make them feel pressured to be the pursuer all the time, tying his success to that, and finding self-worth through other means. And after we’ve reached a place where women and men are free from their gender role, come up with rules for a more safer courtship, allowing men and women to take initiative with the people they’re interested in.
P.S I had a much more thought out reply before the redirection delete my entire message, so if this one comes off differently here, I do apologize. I was trying to remember things I’ve written out that time before it got deleted.
Because of what they’re taught by PUA/TRP, they react poorly to simple rejections from women due to society telling them that their value is tied to how successful they are sexually.
I don’t think TRP is responsible for guys getting mad at women for rejecting them. The guys who get mad are already crazy prior to learning anything from any of the pills.
That’s another good point too, but I don’t think we can deny the role it can have. I’m not saying every guy who learned from TRP won’t take no for an answer, but what I am saying is with their ideology there’s only so much rejection you can take up to a point. What happens if you get rejected 1000 times and you combine that with an ideology that tells you if she turned you down, it means you’re not high value, desirable, or some shit like that. This will eat at their self-esteem and in some cases lash out and try other toxic tactics i.e “Why you got an attitude.” “Do you know how many girls I get.” “Fuck you, you ain’t even that hot anyways.”
