I’ve noticed that I often struggle to express what I actually mean during discussions.
Sometimes my main point gets lost because I phrase it poorly, use a weak example, or realize later that I misunderstood what the other person was saying. I often leave conversations thinking, “That wasn’t what I was trying to say.” or “I am not being taken serious.”
For those of you who used to have this problem:
How did you get better at expressing your thoughts? Did you practice in a specific way? How do you make sure you’re responding to someone’s actual point instead of what you think they mean? Or is it really just keeping your mouth shut if you aren’t knowledgeable about something.
It has gotten to the point that I find myself just not wanting to jump into the discussion, because I feel like that it’s more about who is right , than understanding and being understood.
I’d love to hear any advice or habits that helped you become a clearer communicator. Book recommendations are also welcome.
Lemmy doens’t have Social Skills community(that i can find) or anything so sorry for posting this in AskLemmy.
Reflections so far:
Be curious. Socratic method; phrase your statements as questions. It helps soften your dialogue quite a bit and makes the conversation a quest for discovery.
Try to formulate things simple. The simpler u can explain something, the better u understand it and the less words to be confused about for both parties.
Rhetorical Triangle: Ethos, Pathos and Logos
Write more. It forces u to think critical about things. And gives u the opportunity to reflect on your own opinions.
Don’t take yourself, or other people too serious.
It’s not necessarily your problem. Especially on the internet.
Don’t let the opinions of strangers who are often willfully and ignorantly interpreting you dictate what you mean.
If you have certain discussions you want to be a part of, well read up on that topic, get informed. And choose sources, which, as you say, are interested in understanding things, rather than proving a point or ‘winning’.
They exist. But boy oh boy is most of the info out there some weird petty dummy who just wants to beat up on anyone else who has a different opinion. And most often this is the type of person you will encounter in discussions, both IRL and on the internet, and the best response to those people is to ignore them and focus your energy on folks who want to engage you in the way you want to be engaged.
Yeah on the internet it’s a losing game trying to convince people. I am just having this problem IRL in my friend group. Having opposing views and not being the best debater, or being able to formulate my opinions well makes me feel like I am defending myself. I am just trying to up my communications skills. Hopefully it will lead to the debates/topics being less charged.
It’s similar in real life tbh, people are people and charged is charged. I’ve sort of given up on the idea of having a “good” discussion, and most of the research I’ve ever done into “proper arguments” essentially only makes it clear that nobody else tends to give a damn about it. Which means the knowledge only really serves to show you how all the discussions you do have… ain’t it. Whenever someone breaks a “rule” of debating, pointing it out will not actually help you.
Fair enough. The true skill is being able to laugh at yourself and not take things or other people too serious. The mind of an overthinker :p
I know it well 😅
Of course this isn’t to say it’s completely useless or anything. If nothing else, knowing about all the fallacies and different flavors of bullshit is helpful in other circumstances. But I stand by my jadedness otherwise
Cheers to that and my ignorance. May it become less, and better formulated in the future
In real life, I’ve found its better to just hold your ground. State your opinion, but make it clear you’re not changing it or looking to change others’. Contrived Example:
The only thing I’d maybe change is in your first reply maybe say “I don’t like pineapple on pizza” rather than a general statement, but I gave a messy example because real world conversations are messy. You can’t expect to say everything perfectly all the time.
Mostly in real life, people just want to have the conversation flow. If you make something a sticking point, it gets awkward. Even if it’s something you really really disagree with, like on a moral basis, just say you disagree and why. If people get defensive, just say something like “you do you” and drop it.
There’s this strange thing that happens, where simply the existence of an unresolved competing opinion, that isn’t antagonistic, does some magic psychology stuff I don’t fully understand. Over time your friends’ opinions will often shift to be a compromise. My theory is, it’s because they still want to be your friend, even with your different opinion, so their mind resolves the conflict in any way it can, which often means their position becomes more moderate. It’s not manipulation, you’re just holding your position and others shift around it.
You don’t have to “win” the debate. Just have your opinion survive the conversation relatively unchanged.