Ah shit how did I miss that

My aunt’s dentist used to do this every February when he’d send out Valentines to all his clients. He said the acidity from the salsa helped negate the sugar from the Oreos so you could eat them instead of brushing your teeth.

Everyone stopped taking his advice when he started gifting them all didgeridoos full of piss though. It’s a shame but what can you do.

Cucked by an angel season 3 is wild

It’s real, I’ve met all of Obama’s dads and they really do call him the cigarette crab. I don’t think he’s ever been to Japan and I don’t understand why the owner called him Mr President though because he’s never been president.

Bide?! Damn it I’ve just been on a bidet this whole time.

My neighbor’s coworkers cousin once brought me a bowl of soup while I was at the beach with my family on a really windy day. By the time he handed me the bowl of soup it was nothing but a bowl of sand. I ate it anyway out of politeness but I ended up falling asleep after and woke up in ancient Egypt. I’m still stuck here and my family is still at the beach. I’m never eating a bowl of sand again.

When I was 6 years old I met RFK Jr and he told me the RFK stands for Real Fuckin’ Kool and I knew from that moment that anyone who spells cool with a K is a total wanker.

This is a good way to install the new Wormphone™

I don’t know what this is about but I just finished making a batch of shlongrolls for my lunches this week. They’re like egg rolls, you scramble some egg and stuff it into your foreskin and surprise a special woman or man at work with a tasty snack.

The trick is to be easily forgotten, that way no one will remember me until they find my very own shroud of cum long after I’m dead

This reminds me, have your ever thought about how Jesus definitely masturbated or if he didn’t he at least had wet dreams?

The shroud of Turin managed to keep it’s shape because it was Jesus cum rag, it’s basically paper mâche.

Now you might say “but touchmacaque, that’s blasphemy!” But I’d like to counter with the fact that we’ve all made our own cum paper mâche just like our Lord and saviour, in a way were just following Jesus.

My local brothel still doesn’t serve corn, it’s so upsetting.

I don’t know who that is, but yes, yes he was.

Remember way back when Nickelodeon ran that contest where we all won a vacation package and they called it a foreign nickation? I always thought it sounded like fornication.

Looks like Iran is giving those ships a foreign nickation now

Mammoths are mammals, I bet you could make some funky cheese with their milk.

It’s like all my moms used to say “words mean stuff”

I lost my neighbour’s cat’s life savings on slots. Now I have to work for him the rest of my life by giving unlimited pets, treats and catnip. I love my life!

I was born that way but my mom slipped up and used a fork once when pregnant with my sister and she was cursed with normal human tits, and no one has ever gotten anything for free with those.

Born that way, your mother would have had to use fidget spinners as utensils the entire time she was pregnant. For every single meal.

Don’t even need to steal it, just gotta show the staff your fidget spinner tits and they get so amazed that they give you everything for free. I’ve been doing it since 2019