To quote the Onion themselves:

No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.

Because novelty is all it has. As soon as it stops improving in a way that makes people say “oh that’s neat”, it has to stand on the practical merits of its capabilities, which is, well, not much.

We could have had that. Now, we might not even have an FTC.

This may sound pedantic, but you’re looking for Fairtrade (one word) for the organization with the strictest vetting standards. Fair Trade (two words) isn’t regulated and just means they follow some sort of ethical code. It’s not necessarily bad, but it warrants more product specific research.

Strictly speaking, the energy it consumes is the gravitational potential energy of the ore they’re mining, which would be consumed anyway in the form of, well, gravity, acting on the ore on the way down. They’re just using it productively instead of dissipating it as heat from the brakes. Using only energy that ordinarily would have been wasted is of course very neat, but it’s not breaking any laws of physics.

Not too long ago, this would be a career-ending display of corruption.

His house, the people’s choice. The information being available just allows people to make an informed decision of whether or not to use it, and in what way.

The main difference is that in equal measure to being a fascist, Trump is an idiot.

I’m not convinced we’ll go even a single decade of this regime without total socioeconomic collapse.

A law that virtually everyone breaks and is easily selectively enforced is extremely valuable to authoritarian regimes. It’s a wildcard to imprison whoever they want.

Only if you’re exactly the right denomination too.

It all makes sense when you realize they have no intention to actually run the country in good faith. They intend to do two things, plunder everything they can, and irreparably destroy the country’s future to get revenge for having the audacity to try to move forward.

That just means you value your own ability to evade blame over the lives of real people.

Oh he’d act. He’d assist Russia and be the other Axis power.

Fuck embargos, invade and liberate us. Return the favor we did for Germany 80 years ago.

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It’s been in hospice since 2000.

Sure. Let’s just apply that consistently then. Atoms are binary, the vast majority (with fewer than 1% of atoms being exceptions) can be accurately identified as one of two distinct elements, hydrogen or helium.

Yep. Same software, same hardware, just different config files.

They think it’s better to make things worse if you personally can avoid blame for it on a technicality.