i’m a turtle
“I’m a stand-up comic.”
“Ooh! Heckle me!”
“I don’t know anything about you and don’t wanna say anything mean about you. Just enjoy the moment without getting a performer to do free work for you.”
“You’re no fun.”
“Don’t have to be on all the time, let me eat my burger.”
Jason Pargin is a goddamn hero.
Yup, there’s three rules about food:
As long as you never break rule one and only occasionally break rules 2 and 3, you’ll have a good time.
Asexual and sex-repulsed married lesbian here. Although I love my wife romantically very much, I don’t want to do anything to her chest.
I’ve bought a house, got married, published two books, do stand-up and host a small game show, survived two strokes, transitioned, and have a lot of friends who think I’m tolerable.
I’m a trans woman, so I just keep my head level, pretend I don’t see them, and just walk on by, lest some low-information voter think I’m a child molester and try to get me.
That said, children are absolute trash at paying attention to their destination and their environment, so when they inevitably cross my path in the dumbest possible way, I stop walking until they figure out they should go around me. That way I don’t accidentally kick the tiny knee-high humans.
I was one, once.
I’ve mostly got English and Japanese. English is pretty hard. I’m just a turtle.
英語と日本語が話せる。日本語は簡単だ。亀だけです。
I don’t have any pockets on most of my outfits, but I have a holster on my left hip that holds my phone, my book reader, my wallet, my keys, and a glasses wipe.
I read a lot. But there’s also Slay the Spire on my phone.
(Also I guess I have bluetooth conductors basically permanently attached to my head so I can have music whenever I want, and a d20 ring on one finger, a wrist watch on a wrist, a pair of glasses to match an outfit, a pendant for the same, a hair tie in my hair, and a meter for a study. This is all automatic stuff though, and I just have this while I’m in my house.)
“You mean to tell me this species’ moon is just full of monsters, and it ejaculates them onto the planet in regular intervals? And they don’t really do anything about it?”
deleted by creator
If history is okay with our degenerate friend Fry here being his own grandpa, who are we to judge?
I’d turn into a big old land tortoise and then just be a turtle.
Benefits:
4,000 weeks. 750k hours. That’s what the average human gets.
This is how I keep count.
Don’t dial that phone number to see if it works; you’ll get the fuzz.
I hate when people use the transitive “going to be” to describe “is.”
“Hey, what’s your phone number?” “It’s going to be 911-551-0911.”
Her phone number is 911-551-0911 and has been such for a while now. Why does she feel the need to use a transitive verb structure to describe that it will change to that in the future?
I see people using this “it’s going to be” structure for ordering food (they are ordering food now, saying “spaghetti, please” is much less weird than saying “it’s going to be spaghetti”), as part of my job when someone is reporting current or past statistics, and events that aren’t coming up or aren’t scheduled, and are in the past.
That house.
That house is fucking terrifying, the way she just writes it there.
Terra Ignota used carefully calculated automobile tragedies as a pretext for civil war.
wait wait wait, lemmy get this right
The pun was there the whole time!
I’m a stand-up comic and game show host. I migrated from reddit, where I founded /r/feminineboys and then passed it to capable moderators and abandoned the site as Apollo died.
I started out as a quizmaster, telling quiz for a night a week. I’d open my show with a new 45-second bit each week, built audience numbers over time.
Then I realized I’d been doing this for years, and was an incredibly prolific comic! I had enough material I could just walk out onto a stage and just lengthen out my opening bits, cause I no longer had a quiz to tell that night!