I might delete this later but I feel like shit. ADHD / my inability to get it under control to a level that works for my partner is destroying my relationship and I’m trying to work on my issues and find strategies and some things are getting better but it’s like our relationship has already been damaged beyond repair.
One HUGE issue for us is me again and again forgetting something that’s important for my partner and them feeling deeply hurt as a result because they feel their needs don’t matter. But they do matter and I try to care for them as best as I can but I also keep forgetting things. And I also understand that this is extremely hurtful regardless of whether or not I’m doing it on purpose (which I’m not).
My partner also suffers from strong migraines, so sleep is important to them. I know this. Bedtime is 10pm and when I’m out and have to be home by a certain time I will be (unless there’s something outside of my control).
Last night I was an ADHD group for the first time. My partner asked me how long it would go. I told them it’s from 6 to 8pm. So - naturally - they assumed I would be home by around 8:40. They also insist that I said so, but I can’t remember that.
When the meeting ended one of the other people walked up to me about something I said in the group because she has very similar experiences in her relationship, asked if we could stay in touch, and we chatted a bit. When I realized it was already 8:20 I told her I had to go and said good-bye. I then texted my partner that I unexpectedly ended up chatting with someone from the group and would be home by 9:15. To me that was okay because there would still be enough time to be in bed by 10.
My partner however had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d already been up since 5:30 that day. I knew they had been up early and I knew they had an exhausting day the next but I did not put these things together and make the conclusion that getting up early could mean they’d also want to sleep earlier. If I had known that I wouldn’t have chatted with that other person. My partner insists that we agreed that I would be on my way home right away but from my perspective it wasn’t a definitive agreement.
My partner then texted me back, telling me that they thought it was shitty of me to be late, that I still needed to do the dishes and that they had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d been up since 5:30. Perfectly understandable but I wasn’t aware of that because I have problems putting 1 and 1 together. I apologized but my partner remained angry.
When I came home they told me they were going to lie down now (which in our area often also means going to sleep). I went outside quickly with the dog so she could pee and when I came back and saw there was still light in my partner’s room I started doing the dishes. They came outside super mad and asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they’d told me they’d wanted to sleep. I get that I should have asked if they’re going to sleep now right away or if I could still do the dishes and I tried to explain myself but they didn’t care.
We ended up having a huge ugly fight where I also belittled their feelings (which I understand is a shitty thing to do) because to me talking for 20 minutes and thus running late isn’t a big issue in the light of me not being aware that they’d wanted to go to bed earlier. If I had known I would have made sure to be home earlier.
I understand my partner being hurt again and again by my inability to perceive and remember their needs. I’m trying, I’m really trying to be considerate but I keep fucking up and I keep hurting them and I feel so fucking frustrated and deeply sad.
PS: I really know belittling someone’s feelings is a shitty thing to do but from my perspective it was them being super mad about me talking to someone for a bit and therefore running late but in what was still an acceptable time frame for me. Because I didn’t know they 100% definitely wanted me home right away so they could go to bed earlier than usual. They told me I should have asked in advance when they wanted to go to sleep and yeah I will try to remember that from now on but I didn’t think of it.
!!!PPS: Irregular / not enough sleep can cause severe migraine attacks for them, so I am aware of this. It’s not just about being late - it’s about what lack of sleep can do to them. But I didn’t know or didn’t anticipate that they’d wanted to go to sleep earlier.!!!
Not financial advice and i do not have adhd.
Being neurodivergent is not a choice, so having to feel sorry for yourself, over something out of your control, seems like a bad idea.
I think it’s fine that you try to cater to a neurotypical partner, but i feel like she could be more understanding of it.
If your partner feels hurt over how your brain literally works, maybe she is not understanding enough.
I would try to let my partner know how my brain works, if you are fine with it nice, otherwise maybe staying together is detrimental to both of us.
Wish you luck!
I am starting to think that maybe we just don’t work together because even though I’m trying I will keep fucking up and hurting them and I’m starting to think that maybe we can’t give each other what we need, even though it’s breaking my heart and my partner has been understanding in other regards. But feeling like their needs aren’t considered is a sore spot for them. Which I understand. Which is why I try my best. But I keep forgetting things or I keep not being able to think ahead enough and it makes them feel like they don’t matter.
Do you have the feeling that YOUR feelings are being adequately considered?
That is a very important question to ask yourself.
From many comments you see the suggestion you might be in an unhealthy relationship, and it might be not you who is wrong. However you feel the need to explain to others that your partner has a kind of “excuse”, the migraines. Only the two of you know how your relationship feels like, so only you can know whether it is something worth to continue, or is hurting at least one of you enough that breakup would be better.
You make an impression that YOU TRY YOUR BEST. Your partner must trust you enough to accept that THIS IS THE BEST THEY WILL EVER GET.
If they cannot learn to accept that, you should probably break up. But of course you gotta communicate and verbalize so your partner can know how your reasoning was and that you cared and that you tried.
I’ve been together with my partner for over 10 years. Since I got my ADHD diagnosis like 2 years ago and she learned that it’s not like I am not trying, but I just can’t meet her standards because my brain is literally wired in a different way. And she understood. And our relationship, which was already pretty good, immediately got much much better. Because she started accepting that certain of my quirks are not fixable. And she trusts me enough that I’m honest when I do my best vs. I’m not trying or caring and do not even want to try. We distinguish between “me” (there we can discuss and argue) and things that are “because of ADHD” (there she knows the fight is futile and expecting something from me I can never do is a setup for disappointment).
That is the way this works, between ADHD and a non-ADHD partner. My partner also has her share of “quirks” and struggles, which in turn require my acceptance. You need to talk very openly, and trust each other that you are being honest with yourselves and them.