We already sleep in separate rooms but I’m a clumsy person and when I come home I can’t guarantee I won’t accidentally drop something or bump into something and wake them up. I’d love to be quiet like a ninja but I’m really very much not.

I work a full-time job and my partner is a university student. I didn’t try to mess with their sleep because I didn’t know they wanted to go to bed earlier than they usually do. If I had known I wouldn’t have been late.

My partner has actually stated that they think they might be autistic so this could very much be the case.

Thank you <3 <3 <3

The dishes are my responsibility as it’s my partner who usually does the cooking and I do the dishes. But you’re 100% correct about there being some important questions I have to ask myself.

We do actually already sleep in separate rooms (I maybe should have mentioned this in my post) but the problem is that I’m a bit of a clumsy little troll and even when I’m trying hard to be quiet there’s a high chance I’m bump into something or drop something and wake them up.

We do actually already sleep in separate rooms (I maybe should have mentioned this in my post) but the problem is that I’m a bit of a clumsy little troll and even when I’m trying hard to be quiet there’s a high chance I’m bump into something or drop something and wake them up.

Thank you so much. I think my partner does understand that ADHD is a severe disability but even though they tell me that they don’t expect me to become like a person who doesn’t have ADHD I feel like they don’t understand that even when I’m trying my best I will do things that are maybe forgetful or don’t make sense to them at so some extent that has to be OK. Not grudgingly accepted but OK. I’m really trying my best and I know there are still behaviors and patterns I struggle with (I still tend to immediately give excuses when I forgot something instead of just saying I forgot) but I’m really trying. But I’m never going to not have ADHD.

Yeah sleep is super emotional for them because it plays such a huge role for their well-being. The migraine attacks they suffer are crippling and often accompanied by vertigo - it’s seriously not a joke and as a person who’s sensitive to sound myself when I want to sleep I can totally relate.

Yeah, it is kind of a weird sentence. The thing is, I spend most evenings at home anyway - reading or watching films - so I’m usually in bed quite early myself. And when they have an exhausting day coming up (as was the case) it’s even less of an issue because I want to do what I can to help them have a good night’s sleep. But I do sometimes feel like I’m in an unwinnable situation and we have already several times reached a point where we thought things between us didn’t have a future… maybe that’s something to come to terms with. We’ve been together for 10 years and the first few years were very good but now it feels like a completely different life and the good memories a distant echo.

Cuddling has become a thing of the past :(

I would love to attend couples therapy but it’s so expensive :( I’ve suggested it in the past but (a) it’s really expensive and (b) my partner wasn’t enthusiastic because they said the main issue was my untreated ADHD, so the primary focus should be on me learning to manage my ADHD. But I think simply because our relationship has already taken so much damage, therapy would definitely be good. I don’t know if we still have a future tbh but if we do I will tell them again that I 100% want to do couples therapy.

Yeah, I think pretty much always but they don’t often get up so early, so it’s not a situation that happens a lot. Looking back I could have assumed it but I’m extremely bad at thinking ahead & anticipating things. I can make a mental note for the future but I just wasn’t aware of it yesterday.

This is good advice, thank you <3 I am handling my ADHD, I’ve started medication and going to therapy. Those formalized meetings were also an idea I had, I definitely want to put that into action. If we still have a future together… the past couple years and my untreated ADHD have taken a heavy toll and I feel like both our feelings have already been badly damaged :(

Because when I come home when they’re already asleep I will wake them up and they have trouble falling asleep again. And apart from not enough sleep being a migraine trigger they also had a really exhausting day ahead of them the next day, so I can understand wanting to have undisturbed sleep.

The problem - and as a light and sensitive sleeper I can relate to this - is that when I come home after they go to sleep I will wake them up and then they have trouble falling asleep again. I know sleep is a sensitive issue for them (for me as well, but maybe not as much) because not enough or interrupted sleep is a major migraine trigger for them, so coming home at a certain time isn’t an issue for me personally. I, too, like to be asleep around 10 pm. But this time I didn’t know I was supposed to be home earlier.

They texted me back about the dishes but then when I got home said they were gonna lie down (= go to sleep) now, which I did at first interpret as “don’t do the dishes now anymore” but since I saw they still light on when I came back with the dog ten minutes later I thought maybe I could do some of the dishes seeing as they were still awake. But then they got super mad “why are you doing the dishes now when I just now said I was going to sleep?”

My partner is very supportive in other areas and always there when I need help with something. But the whole circle of them feeling hurt by things my ADHD is causing seems impossible to break.

I am starting to think that maybe we just don’t work together because even though I’m trying I will keep fucking up and hurting them and I’m starting to think that maybe we can’t give each other what we need, even though it’s breaking my heart and my partner has been understanding in other regards. But feeling like their needs aren’t considered is a sore spot for them. Which I understand. Which is why I try my best. But I keep forgetting things or I keep not being able to think ahead enough and it makes them feel like they don’t matter.

Thanks for the advice, reminders are great - I agree! I’ve been setting reminders on my phone for pretty much anything but in this situation I wasn’t aware there was something to set a reminder for. I thought being home by 9:15 would also be okay.