I might delete this later but I feel like shit. ADHD / my inability to get it under control to a level that works for my partner is destroying my relationship and I’m trying to work on my issues and find strategies and some things are getting better but it’s like our relationship has already been damaged beyond repair.
One HUGE issue for us is me again and again forgetting something that’s important for my partner and them feeling deeply hurt as a result because they feel their needs don’t matter. But they do matter and I try to care for them as best as I can but I also keep forgetting things. And I also understand that this is extremely hurtful regardless of whether or not I’m doing it on purpose (which I’m not).
My partner also suffers from strong migraines, so sleep is important to them. I know this. Bedtime is 10pm and when I’m out and have to be home by a certain time I will be (unless there’s something outside of my control).
Last night I was an ADHD group for the first time. My partner asked me how long it would go. I told them it’s from 6 to 8pm. So - naturally - they assumed I would be home by around 8:40. They also insist that I said so, but I can’t remember that.
When the meeting ended one of the other people walked up to me about something I said in the group because she has very similar experiences in her relationship, asked if we could stay in touch, and we chatted a bit. When I realized it was already 8:20 I told her I had to go and said good-bye. I then texted my partner that I unexpectedly ended up chatting with someone from the group and would be home by 9:15. To me that was okay because there would still be enough time to be in bed by 10.
My partner however had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d already been up since 5:30 that day. I knew they had been up early and I knew they had an exhausting day the next but I did not put these things together and make the conclusion that getting up early could mean they’d also want to sleep earlier. If I had known that I wouldn’t have chatted with that other person. My partner insists that we agreed that I would be on my way home right away but from my perspective it wasn’t a definitive agreement.
My partner then texted me back, telling me that they thought it was shitty of me to be late, that I still needed to do the dishes and that they had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d been up since 5:30. Perfectly understandable but I wasn’t aware of that because I have problems putting 1 and 1 together. I apologized but my partner remained angry.
When I came home they told me they were going to lie down now (which in our area often also means going to sleep). I went outside quickly with the dog so she could pee and when I came back and saw there was still light in my partner’s room I started doing the dishes. They came outside super mad and asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they’d told me they’d wanted to sleep. I get that I should have asked if they’re going to sleep now right away or if I could still do the dishes and I tried to explain myself but they didn’t care.
We ended up having a huge ugly fight where I also belittled their feelings (which I understand is a shitty thing to do) because to me talking for 20 minutes and thus running late isn’t a big issue in the light of me not being aware that they’d wanted to go to bed earlier. If I had known I would have made sure to be home earlier.
I understand my partner being hurt again and again by my inability to perceive and remember their needs. I’m trying, I’m really trying to be considerate but I keep fucking up and I keep hurting them and I feel so fucking frustrated and deeply sad.
PS: I really know belittling someone’s feelings is a shitty thing to do but from my perspective it was them being super mad about me talking to someone for a bit and therefore running late but in what was still an acceptable time frame for me. Because I didn’t know they 100% definitely wanted me home right away so they could go to bed earlier than usual. They told me I should have asked in advance when they wanted to go to sleep and yeah I will try to remember that from now on but I didn’t think of it.
!!!PPS: Irregular / not enough sleep can cause severe migraine attacks for them, so I am aware of this. It’s not just about being late - it’s about what lack of sleep can do to them. But I didn’t know or didn’t anticipate that they’d wanted to go to sleep earlier.!!!
Obviously you can’t put every little detail here in this post, so I’m going purely off your side of the story and what details are available, just keep this in mind if you happen to ponder my reply.
A few things jumped out to me. First being that it seems you’re trying hard to accommodate your partners condition (this really is amazing of you, so don’t ever discount yourself in that regard), but they don’t seem to be very accommodating towards your condition (ADHD). It can be hard sometimes with mental disabilities as they’re occasionally seen as “invisible” conditions or “made up to excuse bad behavior”, but I promise you, it’s 100% real and isn’t just a matter of willpower or something. It seems you already know this though, but maybe your partner doesn’t. Have they ever said anything that comes off that they think that? It may be worth thinking about.
Another thing that jumped out to me, is that there was a few incidents of implied meanings or that you were expected to “read their mind” like with the shifted sleep schedule. Yeah, I see their POV, they woke up earlier, therefore they’d get tired earlier, but unless that was communicated, you don’t know that was what should’ve happened. Honestly, this wasn’t you being slow on the uptake or something, this was a lack of communication on your partners end. MAYBE you could’ve asked if they wanted to go to bed earlier that night, but it shouldn’t be EXPECTED unless explicitly stated at some point.
No one can make decisions for you unfortunately, even if we’d like someone to take that stress away from us at times, but I will say that it is important you really try and look at things in your life and potentially prepare for a tough decision or outcome. I do hope things work out for you and your partner, whatever that looks like for both of you moving forward.
Stay strong, and continue to reach out to that support group, sounds like it might be helpful for you! I don’t always advise reaching out to random Internet people, but if anything, I’m sure a lot of us in this community would be happy to help/listen to a fellow person going through life with similar struggles.
Thank you so much. I think my partner does understand that ADHD is a severe disability but even though they tell me that they don’t expect me to become like a person who doesn’t have ADHD I feel like they don’t understand that even when I’m trying my best I will do things that are maybe forgetful or don’t make sense to them at so some extent that has to be OK. Not grudgingly accepted but OK. I’m really trying my best and I know there are still behaviors and patterns I struggle with (I still tend to immediately give excuses when I forgot something instead of just saying I forgot) but I’m really trying. But I’m never going to not have ADHD.