I might delete this later but I feel like shit. ADHD / my inability to get it under control to a level that works for my partner is destroying my relationship and I’m trying to work on my issues and find strategies and some things are getting better but it’s like our relationship has already been damaged beyond repair.
One HUGE issue for us is me again and again forgetting something that’s important for my partner and them feeling deeply hurt as a result because they feel their needs don’t matter. But they do matter and I try to care for them as best as I can but I also keep forgetting things. And I also understand that this is extremely hurtful regardless of whether or not I’m doing it on purpose (which I’m not).
My partner also suffers from strong migraines, so sleep is important to them. I know this. Bedtime is 10pm and when I’m out and have to be home by a certain time I will be (unless there’s something outside of my control).
Last night I was an ADHD group for the first time. My partner asked me how long it would go. I told them it’s from 6 to 8pm. So - naturally - they assumed I would be home by around 8:40. They also insist that I said so, but I can’t remember that.
When the meeting ended one of the other people walked up to me about something I said in the group because she has very similar experiences in her relationship, asked if we could stay in touch, and we chatted a bit. When I realized it was already 8:20 I told her I had to go and said good-bye. I then texted my partner that I unexpectedly ended up chatting with someone from the group and would be home by 9:15. To me that was okay because there would still be enough time to be in bed by 10.
My partner however had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d already been up since 5:30 that day. I knew they had been up early and I knew they had an exhausting day the next but I did not put these things together and make the conclusion that getting up early could mean they’d also want to sleep earlier. If I had known that I wouldn’t have chatted with that other person. My partner insists that we agreed that I would be on my way home right away but from my perspective it wasn’t a definitive agreement.
My partner then texted me back, telling me that they thought it was shitty of me to be late, that I still needed to do the dishes and that they had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d been up since 5:30. Perfectly understandable but I wasn’t aware of that because I have problems putting 1 and 1 together. I apologized but my partner remained angry.
When I came home they told me they were going to lie down now (which in our area often also means going to sleep). I went outside quickly with the dog so she could pee and when I came back and saw there was still light in my partner’s room I started doing the dishes. They came outside super mad and asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they’d told me they’d wanted to sleep. I get that I should have asked if they’re going to sleep now right away or if I could still do the dishes and I tried to explain myself but they didn’t care.
We ended up having a huge ugly fight where I also belittled their feelings (which I understand is a shitty thing to do) because to me talking for 20 minutes and thus running late isn’t a big issue in the light of me not being aware that they’d wanted to go to bed earlier. If I had known I would have made sure to be home earlier.
I understand my partner being hurt again and again by my inability to perceive and remember their needs. I’m trying, I’m really trying to be considerate but I keep fucking up and I keep hurting them and I feel so fucking frustrated and deeply sad.
PS: I really know belittling someone’s feelings is a shitty thing to do but from my perspective it was them being super mad about me talking to someone for a bit and therefore running late but in what was still an acceptable time frame for me. Because I didn’t know they 100% definitely wanted me home right away so they could go to bed earlier than usual. They told me I should have asked in advance when they wanted to go to sleep and yeah I will try to remember that from now on but I didn’t think of it.
!!!PPS: Irregular / not enough sleep can cause severe migraine attacks for them, so I am aware of this. It’s not just about being late - it’s about what lack of sleep can do to them. But I didn’t know or didn’t anticipate that they’d wanted to go to sleep earlier.!!!
It sounds like your partner isn’t willing to meet you halfway. Relationships are about compromise, which you are trying to do. She does not seem to be willing to compromise in the other direction, and understand that you have what is essentially a disability. I also have adhd, and it sometimes causes issues in my relationship. But my partner and I both try really hard to compromise and be supportive of eachother. Your partner is not doing that. You might consider having a frank conversation about how she isn’t reciprocating to your needs, and expects you to do what she wants only. That’s not a healthy relationship.
OP’s partner’s pronouns are they/them.
I don’t know what OPs partners pronouns are. But is that really relevant to the discussion?
It’s maybe not relevant to the discussion, but not using the pronoun used by OP means you assume a pronoun. It’s like I would say “partner” and you would just assume “husband” or “wife”, and tell me things about “my husband” even though I actually have a “wife”, which would be pretty… Weird, at the very least.
I have a neutral position on that pronouns matter, just trying to explain it to you, unless you were being passively aggressive. Cannot read your undertone.
This is too much.
No one in this thread is going out of their way to improperly use anyone’s pronouns.
We’re assuming the pronoun sure I’ll grant you that. OP’s partner is a dude more than likely, but I guess I don’t really know?
It does feel like that based on how the post read.
Edit: after re-reading OP is REALLY going out of their way to use the terms partner and they/them
So I guess that would be the correct pronoun and only ones to use
I agree with you that it did not have to be pointed out, and I dislike that intolerant attitude where people making a mistake, because they don’t know, or maybe even don’t care, but are not actively hostile, and are being presented as “micro aggressive” or whatever behavior.
There is a degree of all that where a reasonable and valid desire - to be accepted and respected in some form of “otherness”, but when done in a zealous and self righteous way, it just pushes people away and is in a way toxic.
It’s the same as vegans and aggressively militant vegans. You do things you believe are morally superior? Nice, go for it. But nobody likes THAT person who will not stop making you feel bad because you don’t feel so strongly about it.
I was not being passive aggressive. Just made an assumption.