I might delete this later but I feel like shit. ADHD / my inability to get it under control to a level that works for my partner is destroying my relationship and I’m trying to work on my issues and find strategies and some things are getting better but it’s like our relationship has already been damaged beyond repair.
One HUGE issue for us is me again and again forgetting something that’s important for my partner and them feeling deeply hurt as a result because they feel their needs don’t matter. But they do matter and I try to care for them as best as I can but I also keep forgetting things. And I also understand that this is extremely hurtful regardless of whether or not I’m doing it on purpose (which I’m not).
My partner also suffers from strong migraines, so sleep is important to them. I know this. Bedtime is 10pm and when I’m out and have to be home by a certain time I will be (unless there’s something outside of my control).
Last night I was an ADHD group for the first time. My partner asked me how long it would go. I told them it’s from 6 to 8pm. So - naturally - they assumed I would be home by around 8:40. They also insist that I said so, but I can’t remember that.
When the meeting ended one of the other people walked up to me about something I said in the group because she has very similar experiences in her relationship, asked if we could stay in touch, and we chatted a bit. When I realized it was already 8:20 I told her I had to go and said good-bye. I then texted my partner that I unexpectedly ended up chatting with someone from the group and would be home by 9:15. To me that was okay because there would still be enough time to be in bed by 10.
My partner however had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d already been up since 5:30 that day. I knew they had been up early and I knew they had an exhausting day the next but I did not put these things together and make the conclusion that getting up early could mean they’d also want to sleep earlier. If I had known that I wouldn’t have chatted with that other person. My partner insists that we agreed that I would be on my way home right away but from my perspective it wasn’t a definitive agreement.
My partner then texted me back, telling me that they thought it was shitty of me to be late, that I still needed to do the dishes and that they had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d been up since 5:30. Perfectly understandable but I wasn’t aware of that because I have problems putting 1 and 1 together. I apologized but my partner remained angry.
When I came home they told me they were going to lie down now (which in our area often also means going to sleep). I went outside quickly with the dog so she could pee and when I came back and saw there was still light in my partner’s room I started doing the dishes. They came outside super mad and asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they’d told me they’d wanted to sleep. I get that I should have asked if they’re going to sleep now right away or if I could still do the dishes and I tried to explain myself but they didn’t care.
We ended up having a huge ugly fight where I also belittled their feelings (which I understand is a shitty thing to do) because to me talking for 20 minutes and thus running late isn’t a big issue in the light of me not being aware that they’d wanted to go to bed earlier. If I had known I would have made sure to be home earlier.
I understand my partner being hurt again and again by my inability to perceive and remember their needs. I’m trying, I’m really trying to be considerate but I keep fucking up and I keep hurting them and I feel so fucking frustrated and deeply sad.
PS: I really know belittling someone’s feelings is a shitty thing to do but from my perspective it was them being super mad about me talking to someone for a bit and therefore running late but in what was still an acceptable time frame for me. Because I didn’t know they 100% definitely wanted me home right away so they could go to bed earlier than usual. They told me I should have asked in advance when they wanted to go to sleep and yeah I will try to remember that from now on but I didn’t think of it.
!!!PPS: Irregular / not enough sleep can cause severe migraine attacks for them, so I am aware of this. It’s not just about being late - it’s about what lack of sleep can do to them. But I didn’t know or didn’t anticipate that they’d wanted to go to sleep earlier.!!!
The problem - and as a light and sensitive sleeper I can relate to this - is that when I come home after they go to sleep I will wake them up and then they have trouble falling asleep again. I know sleep is a sensitive issue for them (for me as well, but maybe not as much) because not enough or interrupted sleep is a major migraine trigger for them, so coming home at a certain time isn’t an issue for me personally. I, too, like to be asleep around 10 pm. But this time I didn’t know I was supposed to be home earlier.
A light sleeper needs accommodations - not for you to have to be silent. Earplugs and a sleep mask, a white noise machine, blackout curtains, whatever - manage the environment so they can sleep soundly. We live in the world and if you want to live with someone it’s not going to be silent all the hours you want to sleep.
Again - I get how they can feel so hopeless about migraine, it does feel debilitating. That’s on them to manage though.
This is unlikely to be the only time your schedules don’t align. Y’all need a plan that works, not blame.
Okay, that’s fair.
“I didn’t know I was supposed to be home earlier” is kind of a weird sentence to hear an adult say, though. Like, that sounds like you don’t have a choice in the matter, like your partner gets to decide things unilaterally and you’re left hastily rushing to catch up.
Usually what I try to do is, when tempers aren’t high, work with my partner—outline the problem and work together, the two of us fighting against the problem. Explore the boundaries here, get creative—can you sleep in another room? Is it motion, is it sound, is it light that wake them up? Can you minimize that enough to learn how to not wake them up, or can they find earplugs/a sleep mask that help from their side?
It doesn’t sound like ADHD is the problem here, honestly. It sounds like your partner has you in kind of an unwinnable situation, and the best way to fix that is to renegotiate the rules of the game.
Yeah, it is kind of a weird sentence. The thing is, I spend most evenings at home anyway - reading or watching films - so I’m usually in bed quite early myself. And when they have an exhausting day coming up (as was the case) it’s even less of an issue because I want to do what I can to help them have a good night’s sleep. But I do sometimes feel like I’m in an unwinnable situation and we have already several times reached a point where we thought things between us didn’t have a future… maybe that’s something to come to terms with. We’ve been together for 10 years and the first few years were very good but now it feels like a completely different life and the good memories a distant echo.