You make me feel insane.
I wasn’t looking for romance. YOU wanted romance. I dared to hope BECAUSE of you. I was fine being single forever, I had accepted it.
And I thought I knew all the ways that a person could hurt me. I didn’t realize that I could do everything right, that the chemistry could be perfect, that almost every second spent in connection could feel amazing (seemingly reciprocally) — and that someone could still change their mind out of nowhere. And that chemistry is just… dead now? The way I made you feel is just… evaporated? I’ve gone from someone you were openly infatuated by and couldn’t keep your hands off of to an amorphous blob of asexual aromantic friendliness OVERNIGHT? I feel so fucking gaslit, but maybe that’s what actually happened inside your brain. Maybe a switch randomly turned off. Maybe you forced it off.
And I don’t want to hear you expressing gratitude for me awakening a part of you that you thought was dead. Fuck that. I’m so fucking glad that I could bring your sexual attraction out of dormancy so that the next person you date can feel desired and wanted in a way that I’m apparently not.
And I don’t want you to “make room” for me to be hurt and confused and frustrated, and to “be here to listen”. I’m hurt and confused and frustrated, and you don’t get to hear about it. My feelings aren’t safe with you. Maybe, MAYBE, if you could offer an explanation that made any sense, I would feel safer voicing my honest feelings. But you and your “I just feel like you feel better to me as a friend than a partner” is some bullshit. If it’s fear of intimacy like you said earlier, I get that. But I get the feeling you’re going to start dating other people, in which case, it’s not fear of intimacy, is it? It’s something you don’t like about me, but didn’t feel free to say at any point. And if you didn’t like something about me, why did you behave the way you did?
Or maybe it is fear of intimacy, maybe that is the real reason. In which case, dating other people is pure recklessness. And are you talking through any of this with your therapist? With anyone? Because, being aware of the problem very clearly doesn’t fix it. And it doesn’t matter how clearly you communicate with the people you’re dating, you’re still being reckless as fuck. Because you and I were dating casually, and even that was too much for you.
And I’m so fucking mad that I’m so fucking mad. I don’t get mad at sweet, kind, lovely people. I rarely feel anger at all. Being angry at a broken person whose biggest crime is not knowing what she wants is hardly a useful endeavor. But I know I’m not really angry, I’m just hurt, all over.
Dating you gave me a vision of a future I’d never dared to hope for. All of a sudden, I had a reason to get my shit together other than for my own survival. And yeah, that’s not great, my own survival should be a bigger and stronger motivator than any person. I should be intrinsically motivated, but I really struggle to be. That’s the part of me that’s broken. But I was motivated to look good for you, because you already thought that I look good, so I didn’t feel like I was trying to earn your attraction and/or love. I was motivated to land a more secure, sustainable income somehow in this apocalyptic hellscape, because I wanted to be someone a partner could rely on and not worry about.
And I liked being inside my head for the first time in a really long time. Before you, I had to drown out my thoughts and loneliness with YouTube videos and podcasts constantly. I needed to hear someone else talking so I wouldn’t hear myself. Then you happened, and all of a sudden, I didn’t want to hear anyone else talking. I started journaling more than I’d ever journaled before. I started just chilling for hours, listening to music. You inspired poetry. I spent less time on social media. I fucking loved being inside my head in a way I didn’t know was possible.
And now my head is worse than before I met you. I’m not suicidal, and I won’t be. I don’t want to self-harm, and I won’t. But I am dead inside. I do fantasize about getting hit by various pieces of heavy machinery, or getting beat up until I pass out. Because that’s how I feel on the inside. I’ve been crying for the past three days. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to cauterize this wound so that I can go back to suppressing everything like a normal functioning human, but I’m trying to get there as fast as possible.
And no. I don’t want to go out to queer bars with you so that you can wingman for me. You were it. I didn’t dare venture out to find love before you, and I sure as hell won’t now. I was already deeply terrified of being hurt. I had already massively been burned by so many unhinged, unwell women I’ve met whenever I’ve briefly thought about dating. And you unlocked an entirely new fear about a factor over which I have zero control. So no thank you, I do plan on dying alone, thanks anyway for the offer.
And stop trying to find “activities” for us to do now that we’re “friends”. I have news for you. I still want to get to know my friends, even if I’m not dating them. Friendship isn’t where I find fun things to do with another person to satisfy a shallow desire for social interaction. If we are going to be genuine friends at any point, you have to let me get to know you. You can’t distract me with “activities”. Being friends with me is still going to be uncomfortable as fuck for you, because it’s going to feel an awful lot like dating, just without the sexual/romantic connection. But the intimacy? The part that apparently terrified you? That’s not going anywhere if you choose to keep me in your life.
You need to move on. A clean break is the only way to get past something like this.
And no. I don’t want to go out to queer bars with you so that you can wingman for me.
If we are going to be genuine friends at any point, you have to let me get to know you. You can’t distract me with “activities”. Being friends with me is still going to be uncomfortable as fuck for you, because it’s going to feel an awful lot like dating, just without the sexual/romantic connection.
And stop trying to find “activities” for us to do now that we’re “friends”.
I don’t know how long it’s going to take to cauterize this wound so that I can go back to suppressing everything like a normal functioning human, but I’m trying to get there as fast as possible.
Block her number and move on. It sounds like you had different views going into this, and instead of a slow decay into the incompatible, it was all at once.
Clean Break
I second that. Delete everything. Block every account. The fewer the triggers the faster your brain will move on and start to file this experience away.
Yeah… I’ll probably end up doing that eventually. I am going to give her a little while to see if she can be consistent in her interactions with me and if she appears to be genuinely pursuing a healthy way of relating to people, because she does seem prone to impulsivity and I also suspect that what she just did with me may be a cycle for her, but I don’t have evidence to back that up yet.
But all humans need grace to be flawed & mess up & be inconsistent, and I want to give her some of that grace before I walk away entirely.
Just be sure to take care of yourself, first. From an outsider looking in it seems a little like she’s probably moved on, and that you may be going through the “bargaining” phase of grief.
Super raw. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve had a similar experience, spread over a week. Pretty hollowed out, couldn’t eat for a day. Still can’t listen to the album she was playing, during the breakup chat.
Feeling shattered proves you are human, proves you can love. So you are not a compartmentalized automaton, and that is a good place to be. Just may not feel like it right now.
Your writing flows well, I daresay you could pen some high-level, succubus, fanfic right now.
All the best for navigating this. Time really is the healer.
Ugh. Sounds like a selfish, awful and cowardly person.
But I honestly know how you feel. Been there. I don’t date anymore romantically, unless you count recreational, one-time dates, precisely because of people like this. I decided that the last heartbreak would be THE last heartbreak.
Still, sorry to hear it and I’m sorry you have to experience this.
Thanks, friend. I’m so sorry to hear that you can relate, it really is one of the shittiest feelings.
Idk if you ever watched “How I Met Your Mother” — it hasn’t aged well at all, and fuck Neil Patrick Harris, but that episode about Barney Stinson’s villain origin story is feeling really relatable right about now (joking)
Oh yeah.
I decided that the last heartbreak would be THE last heartbreak.
Either this, or anxious attachments. Been there too. It heals, but with experience. People need other people. People need love. People need heartbreaks, because they are the sacrifices we make in order to receive another version of ourselves.
But maybe you have already received one, that you like the most. Not here to educate you, just making a reminder about how constraining your behavior is.
HA.
I am free in a way most people will never know. You couldn’t pay me to allow another person into my space.
I want to believe you, but I don’t. I am sorry
Well friend, that’s a you problem. Have a nice day.
You too
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. I wasn’t with you, in this relationship. I just wanted to share two thoughts.
Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are entirely different things. And some people want to “fix” people, places, things, animals because they feel incredibly broken and haven’t the skills, tools to fix themselves, or even how to acquire them, or even that they need to work on themselves.
I hope you continue to work through not only this pain, but everything else that led you to where you were before meeting this person, because you are so incredibly worth it. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your healing matters. Best to you.
Thank you for your kind & insightful comment <3
Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are entirely different things.
Yeah, she did break things off after she’d shared a particularly emotionally vulnerable side of herself, so I think it’s emotional intimacy that scares her. Which just sucks, because I handled it really well and made her feel better in that moment and feel safe and cared for and I thought I’d aced the “emotional intimacy” test, so to speak.
And some people want to “fix” people, places, things, animals because they feel incredibly broken and haven’t the skills, tools to fix themselves, or even how to acquire them, or even that they need to work on themselves.
Yeah, I think I see this in her too, because she was fine talking about my hardships in life, but was pretty closed off about her own.
I hope you continue to work through not only this pain, but everything else that led you to where you were before meeting this person, because you are so incredibly worth it. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your healing matters. Best to you.
Thanks again, you seem like a really cool human 🫂
You are so welcome, and thank you, too. FWIW, it’s born of some of my own extremely painful experiences.
You may find an inexpensive notebook from a dollar store and comfortable gel pen a priceless investment. Something about handwriting it out just feels different, and you can always burn it, later. ;-) Either way, please come back in a month or few and let us know how you’re doing. May the universe smile on you, for your efforts. 🫂❤️
Pitseleh - Elliott Smith
wow, super problematic
I just hope that you are currently experiencing psychosis and this is temporary. That everything will be good with you.
But if it’s not a psychosis… IDK, grow fuckin up, bro!
Would you mind explaining which part is “problematic” or gives the impression of “psychosis”?
Sorry if I look too aggressive. I’ve been writing such letters and I’ve been in this state. I hate it so much, but I’m here with you.
The person you are describing hasn’t done anything bad to you, as far as I can tell. They just have chosen themselves over you. You have nothing to do with it, you couldn’t change, you couldn’t do something differently or say something else.
But it seems that you victimize yourself for having spent a seemingly great period of your life together with this person. You cry like a baby: more, more, more. And when you don’t get what you want, the frustration kicks in and you just say that you don’t want it anyway.
Regulating this kind of emotional state is a basic adult skill. You have an opportunity to learn it. If you want, I can share what worked with me.
What a disgustingly insensitive comment to somebody who is working through pain that you don’t feel…
It’s really difficult to deal with these kinds of emotions.
Of course it’s not rational, but don’t pretend that you can just be rational and be done with it.
The person you are describing hasn’t done anything bad to you, as far as I can tell. They just have chosen themselves over you. You have nothing to do with it, you couldn’t change, you couldn’t do something differently or say something else.
Yeah, if you read my entire post, I said all of that. I agree with you.
But it seems that you victimize yourself
Feeling and expressing emotional pain is not the same as victimizing oneself. Heartbreak is a normal response to being broken up with.
you cry like a baby
Crying is a healthy response to emotional pain
you just say that you don’t want it anyway
Where did I say that?
Regulating this kind of emotional state is a basic adult skill.
Yes, and writing out your honest, unfiltered feelings and thoughts is part of emotional regulation. Any mental health expert will affirm that what I have posted is a tool used to try to manage my emotions in a healthy manner.
Cannot argue with that, nor want to. Have a healthy recovery
Fuck you, this person is working through grief.
