How can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?
The way they pronounce unionized.
There are 10 types of people. Those who get binary and those who don’t.
There are two types of people in the world:
- Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staying in neighboring rooms at a hotel for a conference.
In the middle of the night, a faulty outlet sparks a fire in the hallway. The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, fills the ice bucket up with water and uses it to extinguish the fire. He goes back to bed satisfied.
A bit later, another fire breaks out. This time, the engineer wakes up, sees the fire, does a quick calculation and fills his ice bucket 3/4 full. He just barely extinguishes the fire, and goes back to bed satisfied.
Later yet, the fire starts again. This time the mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, sees the ice bucket, announces “A solution exists!” and goes back to bed satisfied.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks: “3 beers?”
The first one responds: “I don’t know”
The second one responds: “I don’t know”
The last one responds: “Yes, please!”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into the bar. The first guy asks for one beer. Next guy asks for 1/2 a beer. Next guy asks for 1/4 beer. Bartender slaps the next guy and gives the group two beers.
Is Psychiatry still a science?
- How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
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- One to change the bulb and the other to hold my mother…I mean the LADDER!
A couple of fun limericks:
There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
There was a young chemist from Ryde,
Who drank a foul poison and died.
It was ortho-hydroxy-
para-methoxy-
tri-nitro benzaldehyde!
A woman in liquor production
Owns a still of exquisite construction.
The alcohol boils
Through magnetic coils.
She says that it’s “proof by induction.”
Poor Billy chemist will see his face no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4
Someone asks “what’s up?”
Answer: “the cross-product of forward and left”
(the popularity of this joke in engineering school trained me to never ask “what’s up?”)
A photon checks into a hotel:
“One room for the night, please.”
“Very well, any bags to check?”
“Nope, I’m travelling light.”
The “mouse scanner”
This is way too meta, and somewhat of an inside joke to my previous lab… explanation below
Explanation
In cancer biology, many labs work with mice as a model organism. Back in the days before single-cell sequencing and organoids became popular, almost every good lab would routinely graft tumors onto model mice, then inject drugs and other stuff… and after a few weeks harvest the organs. Lots of ppl still do this. Very demanding research but it was state-of-the-art so
Anyways… my lab, similar to many, used to have scanners for scanning Western Blots (another super common and notorious lab workflow). We’d scan images, histology slides cut from mice organs, etc… We also had a dedicated X-ray or CT machine (probably, memory hazy) specifically for scanning mice organs, but those two are separate
And one day we were doing journal club and reviewing a cancer biology paper from another lab. They had full-body scans of lots of different mice, nothing too crazy… but in their methods section I think they straight up said they scanned the mice on a scanner 💀
So yeah, we had this joke of someone putting a still alive mouse on the standard printer-scanner, and then S Q U I S H the mouse to make an image
Mitosis is connected to my fetuses.
Not really a joke but there’s a youtuber I watch called Angela Collier, and she has a video titled “alkaline water …with lemon” and I about died just reading the title
Tl;dw it takes such a small amount of acid to turn alkaline water acidic. Like even if there was a benefit to drinking alkaline water, you’re completely undoing it by adding even a drop of lemon juice
Why are singers at the Sydney Opera House so good at calculus? All that practise at arias under the curve!
What’s curved, yellow, normed and complete?
A bananach space
I regret I have nobody in real life to tell this joke to.
I heard about a new anagram for “Banach-Tarski”. It’s “Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski”.
“If you can tell people where they are and what they are seeing, you are a bloody legend.” Cartographer’s joke
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
- Those that know binary.
- Those that don’t.
- And those that didn’t expect this joke to be in base 3.
EDIT:
A statistician, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe watching the building across the street. 2 people enter the building. Some time later, 3 people come back out.
- The statistician says, “Our initial count must’ve been off.”
- The biologist replies, “I think they probably reproduced.”
- The mathematician observes, “Now if exactly one person enters the building it will be empty.”
My favourite is: There are two kinds of people, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I suppose we could combine them.
There are 10 kinds of people…
- Those that know binary
- Those that don’t
- Those who didn’t expect this joke to be in base 5
- Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
You will need a fifth statement
You will need to extrapolate from an incomplete data set. 😉
Or the two hardest things in IT:
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Cache invalidation
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Naming things
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Off-by-one errors
This is my favorite IT joke
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